Monday, January 7, 2019

When a few thoughts stop running and make their way to paper

I have thought a lot about this space lately. Usually it's when I'm grocery shopping (yawn) or in the shower (whaaaa?!) and all these random thoughts run through my head. And they don't just come to my mind and stay there. They literally RUN through, at a Usain Bolt kind of speed. Like they are gone before I even pay for my groceries or finish washing the conditioner out of my hair. And yet, I still feel those thoughts. They haven't all quite stuck around long enough for me to actually do anything with them up until know, but I know they're there. And I think, that I might, be ready to do something with them.

The last few years of my life have been weird to say the least. It's not even necessarily a bunch of details that I need or want to get into on here (because hello, online life). But if I know one thing for certain, it's that all of that "weird-ness" has resulted in a lot of growth. Like so much growth that I don't even know where to start right now. Do I explain my current situation? Do I go with bullet points? Do I talk about my mistakes or my goals or my plans?

I think I'm just going to keep rambling. That seems to have gone well up until this point at least.

As I'm writing right now, for the first time in 2 YEARS (again, what?!), I'm lying in bed after just taking a hot shower. I took a shower to try to relax because, as if there's not enough going on, I have been granted the chance to try to stay alive during a major 'winter-cold battle'. The shower helped. A bit. My dog, Stella, is curled up next to me on the right side of the bed. She's been doing that lately. She used to sleep in the empty spot on the entire left side of the bed but the past month or 2 weasels her way to the right side where she literally plasters herself against my body during the night. I like to think that she feels in her tiny little maltese-puppy heart that I need that from her right now. Either that or she's cold, because it's North-Dakota-winter and she weighs a measly 7 pounds. Either way, her heart or her body-heat need me. And damn, it feels good to be needed.

Before I started writing tonight, I crawled in bed and read this post, from 2 years ago. I think the hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around right now is that I am nowhere near the same person as I was when I wrote that post. And yet, none of those words, opinions, or thoughts have changed. I could write that exact same post today and feel just as open and honest as I did 2 years ago. And I'm going to run with that. I'm going to run with that in the fact that when I write, I'm not always reflecting on just today, or these things right now, or these people right now. When I write, I'm reflecting on me. And me doesn't change. Where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, that stuff can change. But me, who I am, has consistently stayed the same. And there's a lot of comfort to be found in that. It's a nice reminder: trust in yourself. Deep down, you are you, and that never changes. You just need to find the things, actions, and people that bring that out in you. And when you find those things, people, or activities - pursue them.

That means I need to write more. I lost that a little along the way but damn, this feels good. So I'm going to stick around here a little more. At least that's my plan, ha! Who knows?! And because I just can't let go of the "bullet-points" thing, here are some things that I have experienced (or other random thoughts that have sprinted through my head) in the last 2 years that (hopefully) I will elaborate more on as I show up here a bit more often:

  • Losing a loved one
  • Worrying about a different loved one
  • Jealousy
  • Heartbreak and/or disappointment
  • Becoming an auntie
  • Depending on friends
  • Depression + anxiety
  • Therapy sessions
  • Working to grow self-confidence
  • Being more transparent
  • Working on self-image
  • Online dating (yuck!)
  • Turning 30 (eek!)
  • Finding love
  • Loving myself
  • Dip nails and other things from my new asian friend at the nail salon

Maybe that's all deep, maybe it's lame. Maybe I'll show up here to talk about it or maybe I won't. But either way, that's my highlight reel as of lately and I hope to show up here a bit more often in order to expand on some of those things a bit more. Until then, Happy New Year and goodnight!

Love - Sam and Stella (woof!) :) 

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