I wonder how many times I'm going to start typing something before I stop deleting it and actually let it be the beginning of my blog post... wow, Samantha, wow.
A friend of mine asked me the other day why I don't blog anymore. I looked back kind of confused and was like uh, because I don't have time. I have this thing called work; I'm trying to not only take care of but still get settled into a house; I'd like to maintain whatever pathetic semblance of a social life I have (or had) - I just don't have time. And my friend said, well you used to make time for a few hours of volleyball on Wednesdays - why don't you make time?
It's kind of a good point. Whatever time I used to set aside for volleyball could be blogging time. Or it could be time to do a yoga class. Or time to get lunch with a friend. Why is it that when push comes to shove or time is short it's the good stuff that goes? It's the stuff that makes your heart happy, fuels your soul, or brings you some sort of endorphin rush that gets pushed aside to make room for the other stuff. Now I'm not implying we can live off lunch dates, yoga classes, blog life, or Saturday nights out. I realize the other stuff - the job, the house, the responsibilities - have their place. But life is all about balance. And me, especially being an all or nothing girl, I sometimes have a hard time with the balance part of life.
If I decide I'm going to start exercising again, I'll tell myself I have to work out every day of the week for an hour. Or if I tell myself I'm going to work on doing a few projects around my house I'll come home from work on Monday through Thursday that week and work on my house from 5:00 until 10:00. Apparently whoever said "a little bit here and there" didn't know what they're talking about because I'm either gonna do it all at turbo-speed or else I'm gonna pick up Chipotle on my way home from work, put on comfy pants, eat in front of the tv, and veg out all night.
Is this healthy? Abso-fricken-lutely not. I realize that. But becoming a better version of yourself, realizing what you want out of life, knowing how hard you're willing to work for it, and trying to maintain a healthy balance of all of those things along the way is a constant, life-long job I think.
I read an article the other day - I don't remember where but most likely on Facebook because I don't read the newspaper, online news, or any other form of news that would make me a more educated, knowledgable American citizen (I'm working on it). The gist of the article is that what do you want is not the important question you should be asking yourself - the important question is what are you willing to struggle for?
There's a difference. There's one-hundred percently a difference in those 2 questions. I want 6-pack abs. Am I willing to work out like a fiend 7 days a week and never party or eat late-night chips and salsa? Absolutely not. I am willing to struggle for a healthy, slim, fun-to-dress body, though. I want a lot of money. Hell, there are so many orgasmic closets on Pinterest that money could buy me. But I'm not willing to give up weekends at the lake or my geographic location or time with friends (see previous late-night chips and salsa reference) to work all the time, make a ton of money, and get me the pin-worthy closets or Jimmy Choo shoe collection.
Life is not about what you want - it is about what you're willing to struggle for. I'm willing to struggle for love, friendship, family, a career that allows me to live my choice of lifestyle, and a healthy body. I am a person who values relationships, confidence, passion, and anything that brings me joy.
I've been seeing a counselor for over a year now. Every 2-4 weeks I pay someone to listen to me talk about my thoughts and feelings - by the way, the actual experience that I get for my hour is a lot better than I just made it sound. Anyway, I was telling her that a week or so ago I went out to dinner with a girlfriend that I haven't seen in nearly 7 months. And before that encounter I probably hadn't seen her 7 months, either. And it was truly. a. blast. I was telling my counselor how great it is to have friends that pick up right where you left off no matter what the time. I was bragging to her about how proud I felt to reach out to a friend that, at some point or another for some reason or another, I lost touch with. And because I reached out we refueled a connection. My counselor looked back at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud of me she was. That in the last year, in the midst of a divorce and struggling with who I am and what I want to be, I have come such a long way and have even so much more to look forward to. She was so happy for this great dinner I had with an old friend and asked me what else isn't in my life anymore that used to bring me joy.
What else used to bring you joy?
That's a hard question to answer. But I think it's something we all should ask ourselves. In fact, whether you're going through big life changes or just living the day-to-day, asking yourself what else used to bring you joy could be life-changing.
I don't know my answer yet. I'm still in the middle of finding myself, figuring out who and what I want to be, and what I'm willing to struggle for. But I'm going to keep asking myself that. Because if there's something out there that isn't in my life anymore but used to bring me joy, I want it back. Life is too short. It's way too short to care what others think, compare yourself to your younger brother, or tell yourself you have plenty of time. I am not guaranteed to have plenty of time. But I can do everything in my power to make sure I live a life full of joy, love and passion - and those are the things I'm willing to struggle for.