It was right around 5:00 this morning and I was laying in bed, savoring the final few minutes before I needed to get up. Parker had already walked out the door to head to the gym and I had already gotten out of my cozy bed to make the coffee. I was hoping to fall back asleep, even if I only had 10 more minutes to do so, but I never did. The coffee maker was gurgling, steaming, and giving off that heavenly aroma of freshly-brewed beans that kept wafting into our bedroom. Meantime, the howling wind outside was fighting to be heard, only making me want to stay in bed even longer.
Running through my mental list of the day's plan and to-dos is normally one of the first things I do every morning. I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to relax and go with the flow, my OCD brain and high-strung attitude takes over. But when I was laying there this morning, I stopped myself from running through the list of what I need to do - today, tomorrow, or the rest of my life. Instead, I changed the question to be who do I want to be - today, tomorrow, or the rest of my life.
I haven't liked the person that I am lately.
It doesn't matter that I haven't been able to cross "go to the gym" off my to-do list in my planner the past few weeks. The important part is that I haven't been the healthy and active person that I want to be.
It doesn't matter that I haven't made every dinner that I actually plan on cooking at home. The important part is that I haven't been feeling like I'm caring for my husband and being the best wife I can be.
I try so hard to please others, make others proud, and worry about what other people think - a lot of people do. We put so much pressure on ourselves but never actually worry about just ourself and what we need in order to feel happy and fulfilled.
I want to be positive, active, busy but relaxed (not sure if I'll ever manage that one), a healthy eater, and just plain happy. I want to live to be 100 and I want to be happy along the way. So instead of thinking about what I need to do everyday, I'm going to start thinking about who I want to be everyday and go from there. Starting today.