Sunday, January 8, 2017

New Intentions like Dance Parties

With all the Happy New Year stuff happening in the last week or so seems to come constant posts, conversations, and Instagram captions about the highlights of 2016 and goals for 2017. I've had a hard time making myself put into words what my "resolutions" are, partly because it feels like a "resolution" lasts for like 8 days until we all start missing the Lay's potato chips and toast for breakfast and IPAs. So I really didn't set any "resolutions" this year. And yet, I've put a lot of thought into what I want out of 2017, and more importantly what I want out of life.

My mom said she read somewhere that we should have intentions, rather than resolutions. Some things that we'd like to focus on and be intentional about, rather than flat-out changes we're going to make on January 1st. So I've thought a lot about the things that I'd like to be intentional about, for this coming year and for all the years coming. I feel very unsettled in my life right now. Maybe this is a feeling that never goes away? Kind of like how 55-year-olds say they still don't know what they want to be when they grow up? I don't know - I hope this unsettled feeling goes away soon. But with it I have put a lot of time (mostly in my head - #privatepersonprobs) into thinking about what it is that I want out of life. Maybe my dreams are outrageous. And most likely I can't have all these things. Maybe (in the words of the Rolling Stones) you can't always get what you want and I most certainly know that life isn't perfect. But I also know that if I don't dream like crazy these realistic feet of mine are never going to leave the ground. So for now, I'm gonna keep my head and my dreams up in the clouds and do what I can to get everything I want out of life.

I want a home. A Home, not just a house. Something cozy, comfy, and full of love - not just all the materialistic things I slap all over my Pinterest boards. But, I do want a big bathtub. And maybe I'm just saying this because I just took a bath with music, a candle, a glass of wine, and my puppy chewing her bone on the rug next to me, while either my shoulders or ankles were chilly because the bathtub isn't big enough and the drain doesn't hold water perfectly. So I want a mama-needs-a-bath kind of bathtub.

I want a kitchen in my home that everyone knows is made for dance parties. I want to have dinner with my family and clean up dinner while my kids run around the island or dining table because they like the song that came on the stereo. I want everyone to be talking at once, shooting nerf guns, rolling their eyes, and snapchatting their friends. Life is too short. I want to have dance parties every night.

I want love. Yeah, sure, the perfect kind like in the movies. Maybe Allie and Noah in the Notebook isn't real love, but I'm still going to dream and hope and wish for sharing my life with a person who can drive me crazy but that I love like crazy. If you're a bird, I'm a bird, right?

I want to kiss my kids goodnight and goodbye and hello and catch ya later. I want to snuggle up to my husband in bed each night because he is the best part at the end of a long day. I want to see as much live music as possible. Visit as many different places as possible. Try new things but have comfort in knowing that I'm going home to my routine - the things I know are always there. I want to love on my Stella and nurture my friendships. I want my mom to be my best friend and I want to put up with my brother so I can hang with his cool wife ;)

I want to be intentional about my health - not for the sake of being skinny or looking good in a swimsuit, but for feeling good. I want to be confident and strong and feel sore the next day after a good yoga class. But, I still want to wake up with a headache after girls night because life is too short to not have that too. I want to make more time for writing, and healthy relaxation, and candlelit baths - no matter how chilly my toes get.

I'm sure there are more dreams, so many more than I can possibly list out right now. But most importantly, I want family and love and comfort. I have spent too much of my life not striving or thinking about what I want out of this time I have on Earth. So from now on, I'm going to dream. 2017, for now, is about me just doing me. It might sound selfish, but that's ok right now. It also might be crazy and my dreams might sound silly. But I'm gonna get these silly dreams of mine. Maybe not the jacuzzi tub or maybe I won't get to travel the world, but I'll get close. And I'll get the super important ones at least. I pinky-promise I will. And when I do, I'll have you over to my house for a dance party.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Some Awesome Things

My blog game may be pretty bad lately but my pinterest game is spot.on. I guess I basically just scroll through my feed and pin a bunch of recipes to try, projects to do, or fitness habits to start. So really it's just 1 big to-do list actually, ugh. But it's something mindless to do in front of the tv, on the couch, while snuggling my puppy. Oh my gosh, speaking of mindless ways to waste a lot of time: If you have never checked out Marnie the Dog on instagram do yourself a favor and look her up. So so so many funny captions with silly puppy pictures and the perfect way to get a good giggle when you need one.

Aaaanyway. Pinterest also leaves me feeling so inspired  - the pictures, the words, the spaces, etc etc. You know what I mean if you've spent any time in the pinterest world. So today I have some pinterest finds that make me feel happy or inspired or are just plain awesome.

And on that note, how cool is that purple hair? I am obsessed with that whole trend and not even one bit embarrassed about it.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

The Itch

I've had a real itch to write lately. A hankering, if you will.
I really just wanted to say hankering. I think it's such a funny word. Anyway, back to my itch.

It comes in waves. Like my mind will just start drafting a blog post all up in my brains. It comes when I let my mind wander, which seems to be more often than not lately. And then, once I have a pen and paper or keyboard at my fingertips - poof!

She gone.

I mean the itch is still there - the writing itch. But the graceful, flowing, cutesy funny words? I'm still waiting for them to make their appearance last long enough for me to scribble them down.

I guess I miss writing. I miss posting pictures. I still do that on insta - especially since my little punkins joined my life a few months ago. But I miss knowing I have this little space that is not only an electronic journal that I (and everyone else in the whole wide world) can look back on, but also an outlet. An outlet for what exactly? I don't know. I don't have a terribly stressful job or babies crying in the middle of the night or a cardboard box that I have to sleep in so who the H knows why I need an outlet. I've got it pretty darn good I think.

But here I am, writing for an outlet. Because the itch won't go away. So I think I'll be back soon, whole wide world.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Thank God for Good Music and Good Vibes

Sometimes there's a feeling where a song brings you back to a particular moment in time.

I can probably give you a list of at least 10 songs that when I hear them, they mentally, emotionally, and spiritually transport me to a previous moment in time that I experienced with that song. I definitely don't think it necessarily always brings me back to the first time I heard the song. I could have heard a song millions of times and yet one time, one single time, it moved me in a new way, to a different place. And from that moment on, I will hear that song and think of that particular moment.

Senses are crazy like that. Sometimes I smell Estee Lauder and think of my Great Grandma. I'll hear a song and think of how my heart felt and my skin tingled at that one music festival. I'll taste a blue bobbin marg and feel like I'm out on the pontoon on Pelican lake with sun in my face and rockin the shades. 

Thank god for senses. They help us remember the beautiful, important things that all the silly details of life make us forget about. Sometimes I'm so concerned about what I'm going to wear today, what I should make for dinner, if the steaks are cooked yet, or if so-and-so knows we're standing off the to right. I forget about the important things - to enjoy the people I see and love at my job everyday, to appreciate when I have people to cook for, to feel the beat of the live music as it's happening... and to stop worrying about all the (minuscule) details.

I kid you not, since I have started this post, 3 songs have come on my Spotify shuffle that have transported me to some other time when I heard this music. They maybe reminded me of the first time I heard the song or the laughs I heard the 20th time this played around the bonfire. No matter the memory, every song made me break into a smile, look up, and cherish that memory. 

Which brings me back to... thank god for good music and good vibes.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

The Things I'm Willing To Struggle For

I wonder how many times I'm going to start typing something before I stop deleting it and actually let it be the beginning of my blog post... wow, Samantha, wow.

A friend of mine asked me the other day why I don't blog anymore. I looked back kind of confused and was like uh, because I don't have time. I have this thing called work; I'm trying to not only take care of but still get settled into a house; I'd like to maintain whatever pathetic semblance of a social life I have (or had) - I just don't have time. And my friend said, well you used to make time for a few hours of volleyball on Wednesdays - why don't you make time?

It's kind of a good point. Whatever time I used to set aside for volleyball could be blogging time. Or it could be time to do a yoga class. Or time to get lunch with a friend. Why is it that when push comes to shove or time is short it's the good stuff that goes? It's the stuff that makes your heart happy, fuels your soul, or brings you some sort of endorphin rush that gets pushed aside to make room for the other stuff. Now I'm not implying we can live off lunch dates, yoga classes, blog life, or Saturday nights out. I realize the other stuff - the job, the house, the responsibilities - have their place. But life is all about balance. And me, especially being an all or nothing girl, I sometimes have a hard time with the balance part of life.

If I decide I'm going to start exercising again, I'll tell myself I have to work out every day of the week for an hour. Or if I tell myself I'm going to work on doing a few projects around my house I'll come home from work on Monday through Thursday that week and work on my house from 5:00 until 10:00. Apparently whoever said "a little bit here and there" didn't know what they're talking about because I'm either gonna do it all at turbo-speed or else I'm gonna pick up Chipotle on my way home from work, put on comfy pants, eat in front of the tv, and veg out all night.

Is this healthy? Abso-fricken-lutely not. I realize that. But becoming a better version of yourself, realizing what you want out of life, knowing how hard you're willing to work for it, and trying to maintain a healthy balance of all of those things along the way is a constant, life-long job I think. 
I read an article the other day - I don't remember where but most likely on Facebook because I don't read the newspaper, online news, or any other form of news that would make me a more educated, knowledgable American citizen (I'm working on it). The gist of the article is that what do you want is not the important question you should be asking yourself - the important question is what are you willing to struggle for?

There's a difference. There's one-hundred percently a difference in those 2 questions. I want 6-pack abs. Am I willing to work out like a fiend 7 days a week and never party or eat late-night chips and salsa? Absolutely not. I am willing to struggle for a healthy, slim, fun-to-dress body, though. I want a lot of money. Hell, there are so many orgasmic closets on Pinterest that money could buy me. But I'm not willing to give up weekends at the lake or my geographic location or time with friends (see previous late-night chips and salsa reference) to work all the time, make a ton of money, and get me the pin-worthy closets or Jimmy Choo shoe collection. 

Life is not about what you want - it is about what you're willing to struggle for. I'm willing to struggle for love, friendship, family, a career that allows me to live my choice of lifestyle, and a healthy body. I am a person who values relationships, confidence, passion, and anything that brings me joy.

I've been seeing a counselor for over a year now. Every 2-4 weeks I pay someone to listen to me talk about my thoughts and feelings - by the way, the actual experience that I get for my hour is a lot better than I just made it sound. Anyway, I was telling her that a week or so ago I went out to dinner with a girlfriend that I haven't seen in nearly 7 months. And before that encounter I probably hadn't seen her 7 months, either. And it was truly. a. blast. I was telling my counselor how great it is to have friends that pick up right where you left off no matter what the time. I was bragging to her about how proud I felt to reach out to a friend that, at some point or another for some reason or another, I lost touch with. And because I reached out we refueled a connection. My counselor looked back at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud of me she was. That in the last year, in the midst of a divorce and struggling with who I am and what I want to be, I have come such a long way and have even so much more to look forward to. She was so happy for this great dinner I had with an old friend and asked me what else isn't in my life anymore that used to bring me joy.

What else used to bring you joy?

That's a hard question to answer. But I think it's something we all should ask ourselves. In fact, whether you're going through big life changes or just living the day-to-day, asking yourself what else used to bring you joy could be life-changing.

I don't know my answer yet. I'm still in the middle of finding myself, figuring out who and what I want to be, and what I'm willing to struggle for. But I'm going to keep asking myself that. Because if there's something out there that isn't in my life anymore but used to bring me joy, I want it back. Life is too short. It's way too short to care what others think, compare yourself to your younger brother, or tell yourself you have plenty of time. I am not guaranteed to have plenty of time. But I can do everything in my power to make sure I live a life full of joy, love and passion - and those are the things I'm willing to struggle for.

That and Chipotle. I love my Chipotle.

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