Monday, January 7, 2019

When a few thoughts stop running and make their way to paper

I have thought a lot about this space lately. Usually it's when I'm grocery shopping (yawn) or in the shower (whaaaa?!) and all these random thoughts run through my head. And they don't just come to my mind and stay there. They literally RUN through, at a Usain Bolt kind of speed. Like they are gone before I even pay for my groceries or finish washing the conditioner out of my hair. And yet, I still feel those thoughts. They haven't all quite stuck around long enough for me to actually do anything with them up until know, but I know they're there. And I think, that I might, be ready to do something with them.

The last few years of my life have been weird to say the least. It's not even necessarily a bunch of details that I need or want to get into on here (because hello, online life). But if I know one thing for certain, it's that all of that "weird-ness" has resulted in a lot of growth. Like so much growth that I don't even know where to start right now. Do I explain my current situation? Do I go with bullet points? Do I talk about my mistakes or my goals or my plans?

I think I'm just going to keep rambling. That seems to have gone well up until this point at least.

As I'm writing right now, for the first time in 2 YEARS (again, what?!), I'm lying in bed after just taking a hot shower. I took a shower to try to relax because, as if there's not enough going on, I have been granted the chance to try to stay alive during a major 'winter-cold battle'. The shower helped. A bit. My dog, Stella, is curled up next to me on the right side of the bed. She's been doing that lately. She used to sleep in the empty spot on the entire left side of the bed but the past month or 2 weasels her way to the right side where she literally plasters herself against my body during the night. I like to think that she feels in her tiny little maltese-puppy heart that I need that from her right now. Either that or she's cold, because it's North-Dakota-winter and she weighs a measly 7 pounds. Either way, her heart or her body-heat need me. And damn, it feels good to be needed.

Before I started writing tonight, I crawled in bed and read this post, from 2 years ago. I think the hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around right now is that I am nowhere near the same person as I was when I wrote that post. And yet, none of those words, opinions, or thoughts have changed. I could write that exact same post today and feel just as open and honest as I did 2 years ago. And I'm going to run with that. I'm going to run with that in the fact that when I write, I'm not always reflecting on just today, or these things right now, or these people right now. When I write, I'm reflecting on me. And me doesn't change. Where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, that stuff can change. But me, who I am, has consistently stayed the same. And there's a lot of comfort to be found in that. It's a nice reminder: trust in yourself. Deep down, you are you, and that never changes. You just need to find the things, actions, and people that bring that out in you. And when you find those things, people, or activities - pursue them.

That means I need to write more. I lost that a little along the way but damn, this feels good. So I'm going to stick around here a little more. At least that's my plan, ha! Who knows?! And because I just can't let go of the "bullet-points" thing, here are some things that I have experienced (or other random thoughts that have sprinted through my head) in the last 2 years that (hopefully) I will elaborate more on as I show up here a bit more often:

  • Losing a loved one
  • Worrying about a different loved one
  • Jealousy
  • Heartbreak and/or disappointment
  • Becoming an auntie
  • Depending on friends
  • Depression + anxiety
  • Therapy sessions
  • Working to grow self-confidence
  • Being more transparent
  • Working on self-image
  • Online dating (yuck!)
  • Turning 30 (eek!)
  • Finding love
  • Loving myself
  • Dip nails and other things from my new asian friend at the nail salon

Maybe that's all deep, maybe it's lame. Maybe I'll show up here to talk about it or maybe I won't. But either way, that's my highlight reel as of lately and I hope to show up here a bit more often in order to expand on some of those things a bit more. Until then, Happy New Year and goodnight!

Love - Sam and Stella (woof!) :) 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

New Intentions like Dance Parties

With all the Happy New Year stuff happening in the last week or so seems to come constant posts, conversations, and Instagram captions about the highlights of 2016 and goals for 2017. I've had a hard time making myself put into words what my "resolutions" are, partly because it feels like a "resolution" lasts for like 8 days until we all start missing the Lay's potato chips and toast for breakfast and IPAs. So I really didn't set any "resolutions" this year. And yet, I've put a lot of thought into what I want out of 2017, and more importantly what I want out of life.

My mom said she read somewhere that we should have intentions, rather than resolutions. Some things that we'd like to focus on and be intentional about, rather than flat-out changes we're going to make on January 1st. So I've thought a lot about the things that I'd like to be intentional about, for this coming year and for all the years coming. I feel very unsettled in my life right now. Maybe this is a feeling that never goes away? Kind of like how 55-year-olds say they still don't know what they want to be when they grow up? I don't know - I hope this unsettled feeling goes away soon. But with it I have put a lot of time (mostly in my head - #privatepersonprobs) into thinking about what it is that I want out of life. Maybe my dreams are outrageous. And most likely I can't have all these things. Maybe (in the words of the Rolling Stones) you can't always get what you want and I most certainly know that life isn't perfect. But I also know that if I don't dream like crazy these realistic feet of mine are never going to leave the ground. So for now, I'm gonna keep my head and my dreams up in the clouds and do what I can to get everything I want out of life.

I want a home. A Home, not just a house. Something cozy, comfy, and full of love - not just all the materialistic things I slap all over my Pinterest boards. But, I do want a big bathtub. And maybe I'm just saying this because I just took a bath with music, a candle, a glass of wine, and my puppy chewing her bone on the rug next to me, while either my shoulders or ankles were chilly because the bathtub isn't big enough and the drain doesn't hold water perfectly. So I want a mama-needs-a-bath kind of bathtub.

I want a kitchen in my home that everyone knows is made for dance parties. I want to have dinner with my family and clean up dinner while my kids run around the island or dining table because they like the song that came on the stereo. I want everyone to be talking at once, shooting nerf guns, rolling their eyes, and snapchatting their friends. Life is too short. I want to have dance parties every night.

I want love. Yeah, sure, the perfect kind like in the movies. Maybe Allie and Noah in the Notebook isn't real love, but I'm still going to dream and hope and wish for sharing my life with a person who can drive me crazy but that I love like crazy. If you're a bird, I'm a bird, right?

I want to kiss my kids goodnight and goodbye and hello and catch ya later. I want to snuggle up to my husband in bed each night because he is the best part at the end of a long day. I want to see as much live music as possible. Visit as many different places as possible. Try new things but have comfort in knowing that I'm going home to my routine - the things I know are always there. I want to love on my Stella and nurture my friendships. I want my mom to be my best friend and I want to put up with my brother so I can hang with his cool wife ;)

I want to be intentional about my health - not for the sake of being skinny or looking good in a swimsuit, but for feeling good. I want to be confident and strong and feel sore the next day after a good yoga class. But, I still want to wake up with a headache after girls night because life is too short to not have that too. I want to make more time for writing, and healthy relaxation, and candlelit baths - no matter how chilly my toes get.

I'm sure there are more dreams, so many more than I can possibly list out right now. But most importantly, I want family and love and comfort. I have spent too much of my life not striving or thinking about what I want out of this time I have on Earth. So from now on, I'm going to dream. 2017, for now, is about me just doing me. It might sound selfish, but that's ok right now. It also might be crazy and my dreams might sound silly. But I'm gonna get these silly dreams of mine. Maybe not the jacuzzi tub or maybe I won't get to travel the world, but I'll get close. And I'll get the super important ones at least. I pinky-promise I will. And when I do, I'll have you over to my house for a dance party.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Some Awesome Things

My blog game may be pretty bad lately but my pinterest game is spot.on. I guess I basically just scroll through my feed and pin a bunch of recipes to try, projects to do, or fitness habits to start. So really it's just 1 big to-do list actually, ugh. But it's something mindless to do in front of the tv, on the couch, while snuggling my puppy. Oh my gosh, speaking of mindless ways to waste a lot of time: If you have never checked out Marnie the Dog on instagram do yourself a favor and look her up. So so so many funny captions with silly puppy pictures and the perfect way to get a good giggle when you need one.

Aaaanyway. Pinterest also leaves me feeling so inspired  - the pictures, the words, the spaces, etc etc. You know what I mean if you've spent any time in the pinterest world. So today I have some pinterest finds that make me feel happy or inspired or are just plain awesome.

And on that note, how cool is that purple hair? I am obsessed with that whole trend and not even one bit embarrassed about it.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

The Itch

I've had a real itch to write lately. A hankering, if you will.
I really just wanted to say hankering. I think it's such a funny word. Anyway, back to my itch.

It comes in waves. Like my mind will just start drafting a blog post all up in my brains. It comes when I let my mind wander, which seems to be more often than not lately. And then, once I have a pen and paper or keyboard at my fingertips - poof!

She gone.

I mean the itch is still there - the writing itch. But the graceful, flowing, cutesy funny words? I'm still waiting for them to make their appearance last long enough for me to scribble them down.

I guess I miss writing. I miss posting pictures. I still do that on insta - especially since my little punkins joined my life a few months ago. But I miss knowing I have this little space that is not only an electronic journal that I (and everyone else in the whole wide world) can look back on, but also an outlet. An outlet for what exactly? I don't know. I don't have a terribly stressful job or babies crying in the middle of the night or a cardboard box that I have to sleep in so who the H knows why I need an outlet. I've got it pretty darn good I think.

But here I am, writing for an outlet. Because the itch won't go away. So I think I'll be back soon, whole wide world.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Thank God for Good Music and Good Vibes

Sometimes there's a feeling where a song brings you back to a particular moment in time.

I can probably give you a list of at least 10 songs that when I hear them, they mentally, emotionally, and spiritually transport me to a previous moment in time that I experienced with that song. I definitely don't think it necessarily always brings me back to the first time I heard the song. I could have heard a song millions of times and yet one time, one single time, it moved me in a new way, to a different place. And from that moment on, I will hear that song and think of that particular moment.

Senses are crazy like that. Sometimes I smell Estee Lauder and think of my Great Grandma. I'll hear a song and think of how my heart felt and my skin tingled at that one music festival. I'll taste a blue bobbin marg and feel like I'm out on the pontoon on Pelican lake with sun in my face and rockin the shades. 

Thank god for senses. They help us remember the beautiful, important things that all the silly details of life make us forget about. Sometimes I'm so concerned about what I'm going to wear today, what I should make for dinner, if the steaks are cooked yet, or if so-and-so knows we're standing off the to right. I forget about the important things - to enjoy the people I see and love at my job everyday, to appreciate when I have people to cook for, to feel the beat of the live music as it's happening... and to stop worrying about all the (minuscule) details.

I kid you not, since I have started this post, 3 songs have come on my Spotify shuffle that have transported me to some other time when I heard this music. They maybe reminded me of the first time I heard the song or the laughs I heard the 20th time this played around the bonfire. No matter the memory, every song made me break into a smile, look up, and cherish that memory. 

Which brings me back to... thank god for good music and good vibes.

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